Hi everyone, so happy to have found this forum! I have a question for those of you who handle or have handled a child with separation anxiety and selective mutism. She's 6 and she's been having these anxiety issues since she's at least 6 months. We've always been supportive and committed to a routine and exposition. However it doesn't seem to progress and lately even regresses. One issue we have is that she is also afraid of being capable of handling situations. She insists on "I can't" and even if she can, she hides it. She wants to stay our baby I guess. Besides letting her know she'll always be our baby, even when she can do brave things, what else can we try? Thank you!
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Thank you so much Margaret! One thing we don't accommodate on is her obligation to go to school. We tell her we understand she's nervous (I used to be nervous too when I was a child, I already told her) and that we have full confidence she can do it. Yet, it's been 6 years of daily goodbyes at the school and nothing has changed. We tried little incremental steps forward with the help of a psychologist but it's one step forward, two steps back, one forward, two back. At this moment, after many steps forward and many back. We are at zero. And there's no accommodating, except for a teacher to grab her on or she runs after us. It's heartbreaking. Now that she can best express her feelings she says she understands what I mean, but she just can't do it. I tell her she can. But she says she can't. And most of her frustrations and meltdowns are a lot about showing she cant something. I dont cave, i tell her i believe she can. On the very odd day when she actually can (for instance with her father) she asks him not to tell me. Is there a trick here? There's this book for children I bought years ago about a coala who can't get out of his tree. Eventually he does and he see that he can. This sweet fun book is listed for my daughter as the scariest book in her collection. Since years ago. Why?... how can I turn this switch?...
please excuse me for jumping in here if i have the wrong end of the stick...but you have given very few details to go on so Im guessing for experience .....first things first how do we view children often heavy influences we parent them so the first hurdle is to recognise at no level is this 6-year old still a baby. we need to mirror our belief back to her that she is 6 years old, capable and competent young person.
make a list of all the accommodations you are making to help her avoid the anxious-provoking tasks....e.g. are ye talking for her when somebody asks her a question if she chooses not to talk what methods are you employing to help her communicate (letting her escape form using her voice) maintaining strict structure and routines to avoid anxiety are maladaptive long term...so id suggest making a list of all the things you are doing for your child that you would not do for a child that does not have anxiety/or another sibling.
one by one announce to the child that you are no longer going to do abc etc and stop doing it...e.gl if you target talking to a waitress in the restaurant taking her there and informing her you will not be ordering for her and being prepared to go home without her having had food and repeating this a few times will encourage her to use her voice as nobody else is going to step in and do it for her.....if you are worried about her being hungry she can eat boring stuff at home after ye have finished your meal ...
i hope this helps