Need a little guidance on being supportive and not punitive

We've tried to find SPACE therapists in our area (Chicago West suburbs) but can't get anyone to respond.

I read Dr. Lebowtiz's book and watched several Youtube videos featuring his workshops on SPACE. Our 24-year-old Son/Stepson is typical of the FTL young people you've described in your articles. Passivity, a lack of intrinsic motivation to apply for jobs and an overly accomodating Mom are the hallmarks of our situation and we'd like to try implementing SPACE on our own but I have a few questions.

1. Do you have some examples of what parents say to their children when they wish to stop providing Internet access? How do we deliver this information without it seeming like a punishment or something we are "doing" to him? How do we deliver the supportive message?

2. One of our fears is that denying accommodations like buying his food and providing Internet access will cause our Son to totally withdraw and become even more isolated. Is this a common reaction? To feel sorry for themselves? Are we supposed to just trust that he will respond to the situation in a constructive manner sooner or later? How do we give a supportive message if he feels like we are punishing him?

3. Clearly SPACE is designed to be implemented as changes to the parent's behavior, but aren't we also trying to communicate a new set of expectations to the child? What is our message about why we are setting these new expectations? How do we set expectations and boundaries as not being "manipulative". Is that a part of SPACE-FTL or did I miss the point here?

Thanks,

Darryl and Laura

3 comments

3 Comments

Emily BT

I also wanted to recommend our private Facebook group for parents of teens and young adults who are practicing SPACE - the format is easier than this site (and it’s private) and there are over 2000 fellow parents to support you, and 5 years of content to search. https://www.facebook.com/share/g/12GdMPAqdcG/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Darryl Hamer

Replying to

Thanks for your comment, Emily.

I'm actually referring to Dr. Lebowitz's examples of limiting Internet access as a way to reduce accomodations for a FTL young adult. We also don't believe punishments are effective.

We have been implementing a support-based method with him which has been quite effective. We call it "Lift and shift" where we provide positive feedback when he accomplishes even the smallest of independent tasks and then about every 3rd time, we'll add, "If you wanted to go over the top and really knock it out of the park, you'd also ...". This simple thing has been remarkably beneficial and it helps him understand that we believe in him.

He hasn't chosen his situation and we can see that he is in distress over it. This really makes it difficult to witness when he is really stressed.

I'm not certain I understand your reference to rituals.